I am laying in a pool of my own sweat and haven't left bed all day. It is 3pm. Nasty Asian virus 1, Sarah 0. It got me good.
All of this down time, well I live on an Island so there is a lot of down time. Let me rephrase that. All of this alone time has got me thinking. I have been creating space in my life over the past year or so. Letting particular friendships go, letting particular relationships go, letting most of my material possessions go and letting old habits and thought patterns go. When you let go of so much it creates this space. Which sounds so...spacious. But it feels kind of lonely and brings up all kinds of feelings revolving around fear to be completely honest. Nothing debilitating. Just like a dull kind of ache.
What we tend to do. Well I know I do. When we feel this unease. Is to fill it with something. Or someone. When this something or someone no longer satisfies the unease, we either look for something else or feel contempt towards the person who once satisfied. I am on a personal mission to not do this. To sit with this unease. To fully listen to it rather than trying to shove a sock in its mouth. I have no idea what will happen as a result. I have no idea how long it will take. Maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe months.
We are always looking for something new, something different, something that we feel we don't have. For as long as I continue to remember and catch myself in the act. I am going to be present. I am going to feel everything. I am going to be still and reflect as much as I can. Hoping to hear the sounds and wisdom of what is trying to be heard within.
The blog is taking a bit of a turn to share what I find with this experiment. To experience something new. Hoping to find some wisdom. Hoping to inspire someone to do the same.
I am curious to see what newness will eventually occupy all of this new space I have created in my life.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.